i feel awful and strange and i don’t know why. summer is always strange. i want to be awake for amazing things to happen. everything just feels out of place. i don’t know what to do with myself. i should sleep. i just feel sick of myself. 

i’m bad at hiding things. 

anytime i try to keep a serious face when i see one of my friends, i can’t hold back a smile even though i hate my teeth and braces.

i tried to hide a letter detailing something bad that i did that my high school’s headmaster sent to my dad, which i did successfully, until the headmaster sent another letter the next week for the same reason and and he used the phrase “second incident” or something so my dad asked where the first letter was and just yeah that was lame.

i try to hide my feelings for her whenever i see her. i don’t know why. i’m pathetic. sometimes i wish a Charlie and Sam thing would happen like in Perks of Being a Wallflower. there’s one quote i remember by Sam that i liked:

“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.” 

i don’t know why i’m afraid to do what that quote tells me. everything i try to hide is eventually found anyways. 

that’s what i feel like my presence is though: a shameful and embarrassed finding. like someone found me and i shyly introduce myself because i was hoping not be found. i wish my presence was more proud and, i don’t know a good word, just present. instead of trying to hide and avoiding be found, i wish i was confident enough to make myself found to everyone.

i can’t tell if there’s a difference between hiding and being lost.

maybe i’m lost if someone is trying to find me and maybe i’m hiding if no one is.

i think i got it backwards. i looked up the actual definitions of the words because i don’t think i actually know:

• lost - 1) unable to find one’s way; not knowing one’s whereabouts. 2) unable to be found
• hide - Put or keep out of sight; conceal from the view or notice of others.

i think i switched it, then. i guess i’m lost if no one is trying to find me and i’m hiding if someone is trying to find me.

maybe i’m lost and i wish i was hiding.

but if i’m lost, i think i want to be found. if i’m hiding, i don’t want to be found. i think i want to be found more than anything. i think being lost and hiding both involve someone finding me, but maybe hiding is intentionally avoiding being found.

i don’t know what i’m talking about.

maybe hiding is just being lost and in denial.

i don’t care if i’m found or i find somebody, i just want to be where i belong or who i belong with. 

i don’t know. i should stop talking before i sound even more like a fuckhead.