God is where the lightning and the bugs and sometimes where both are.

one day i’ll be old and i’ll wish i had one more day of youth to be happy about.

my dad’s favorite piece of classical music is the adagio in concierto de aranjuez by joaquin rodrigo. it has classical guitar in it and it breaks my heart.

the third movement to tchaikovsky’s violin concerto also breaks my heart.

mcat is in three days. scared. i’ll try my best. i’ll try to do great things.

i’m such a dummy. sometimes all it takes is hearing, not reading, a few kind words and a little but of sunshine to make me more positive.

t minus 4 days.

i don’t know. i think i like going into things knowing i have nothing to lose. it makes me less stressed out and willing to let whatever happen happen. i feel good knowing that if i apply to med schools now and i’m really unsatisfied with where i got in/didn’t, then i’ll apply next year. i’m really lucky to be able to say that. my dad wants me try my best as if money isn’t an issue. i know that applications are expensive, but i guess i’ll try my best.

i don’t know. we’ll see. feeling better. gotta keep it up.

i don’t know.

i’m not doing too well.

i went to jummah prayer today and the imam talked about patience and i teared up a little bit and i don’t know why. he could have probably talked about anything and i might have cried.

i have lost all patience. that doesn’t meant i’m hyper and restless. i’ve just lost something i thought i was good at. everything is such a mess and i don’t know how to be patient. the mcat is in less than a week and i’m not doing better. 

i get so angry and sad sometime that things work out so well for people. and they work out well for me too, but never in the ways that i want. and then i realize i’m stupid for thinking i know what i want. regardless, i get upset sometimes when people do so well and for some reason i can’t. i get upset over grades and scores and ideas and qualities and characteristics that i wish i had. 

i had some good ideas for my fulbright project today though. however dr. barry told me that academic/arts grants are really competitive compared to english teaching grants for bangladesh, which sucks.

i remember telling myself that i’m lucky, but the odds have never been in my favor. i don’t know what that means. i think i meant that the things i could achieve and work hard towards are against me. i’m not lucky in that regard. other people are lucky in that regard. other people get scholarships and awards and grants and get into dream schools because they work hard and get lucky. the kind of luck i get is not having a legitimate excuse to be unhappy but for some reason i am anyways. i don’t get lucky when i apply to things. i don’t get that lucky when it comes to grades. i’ve almost never gotten points back on a test due to a grader’s mistakes.

i don’t know what i’m talking about.

i mean that the things i’m not lucky at demand and require hard workd and persistence. things like the mcat and applying to med school and writing a personal statement and just generally application-based things, i’m not lucky at. they require basically 100% effort on my part and more often than not, i don’t deliver.

i don’t know how to stay positive without attaching it to something concrete. i don’t know why i have such high standards for this concreteness. i should just happy from the fact that God gave me a body and life. instead, i compare myself to everyone else and base positivity off of how well i’m doing compared to them.

God, what is wrong with me?

why can’t i get my priorities straight?

why does everything have to be happening now?

i just want to improve on the mcat. that’s all. i’ve worked so hard and i’m sick and tired of not being able to learn and apply concepts intelligently and quickly like my friends can. 

i’m no poet.

i feel so great when i’m practicing verbal passages. i’m reading these passages positively and answering questions like i know what i’m talking about and everything or most things make sense, but then i check my answers and i get demolished.

i don’t know how to improve.

i’m stuck.

i’m falling behind.

patience, Shayer, please. just be positive and be patient.

i want to talk to my sister.

i want to put my head in my mom’s lap and have her scratch my head.

i don’t know how to show i’m multidimensional, that i have substance, that i’m a man. maybe i don’t know. i think i’m just scared that when the time comes to show these things, i won’t or can’t.

i need strength. i need guidance. i need patience. i need positivity.

i take so much personally and i don’t know why. i’m scared for the mcat in less than a week. i’m really behind and i’m having trouble not making everything so messy. everything is static and stationary and not progressing and i constantly drop everything whenever i have an opportunity to not think about myself and this stupid mcat and this stupid amcas application.

it won’t matter when i’m 91. 

i kind of just want to disappear. i hate when i feel like this. i know isolating myself and being alone is a bad idea but i don’t know what else to do. 

i guess that’s what i should do now.

i’ll be back after thinking about going to med school stops sucking so much.